I had intended to post about the things I'm angry about in an attempt to examine and then be able to let go of them. But now I think that spending that much time focused on things that are "wrong", or at least that I perceive as wrong may be just a waste of time. There's not much to examine other than to know that I'm pissed about not being in school anymore, losing our home, being left alone with the baby all the time, feeling left out, feeling ugly, feeling unappreciated. That's pretty much it. To spend any more time on it would be a waste.

Mark and I have been fighting all the time. I'm really being shitty, but I just feel like I can't help it. I feel so resentful that he gets to do whatever he wants whenever he wants and I have to ask if he has time to watch the baby just so I can shower. He sets his own hours at work, while I feel constantly "on call" day and night. Even when he does cover the baby so I can sit in the tub for 20 minutes, he's knocking at the bathroom door at least twice with questions about when the baby was last changed or fed or whatever.

Wow... so much for not focusing on the anger, huh?

Anyway... This morning when I was brushing my teeth, I remembered something from a sociology class I had my second semester: "The person with the least interest in continuing a relationship has control of the relationship." And I realized that I am really doing my very best to push Mark away in an attempt to "get control" of our relationship. Maybe because I really feel like I have absolutely NO control over any aspect of my life right now my brain is twisting things up to try to take back some control over something.

Or, maybe I really am just a bitter, angry bitch.

I need to get nice. I miss myself. I miss waking up happy. I miss feeling good... feeling loved and loving and appreciated and appreciative and admired and admiring. It's a lot of work and takes a lot of energy to feel this angry and sad all the time. I'm so tired of it.

I feel like I'm doing a really terrible job of balancing taking care of this new baby, taking care of my marriage and taking care of myself.

I just want to be happy again. I want to be a nice person again. I want to like myself again.

Still don't have a whole lot to say these days... I seem to be too pissed/sad/scared/mad/suspicious/angry/depressed etc. to feel like writing at all.

We're getting ready for Christmas. Literally... like, right now. I'm sitting in the living room with boxes and berries and tissue and ribbon covering every inch of available space (other than where the baby is sleeping). The tree is up and its lights are on, but the Frank Sinatra Christmas CD has gone MIA... can't decorate the tree without "We Wish You The Merriest". It just wouldn't be right.

Anyway, things in my head seem to be getting worse and not better. I'm angry at Mark All. The. Time. I just don't know how this happened. We really had a perfect marriage, and now it's all just gone to shit. I googled "Marital problems after baby", and came up with nothing other than one website that says while a new baby changes the dynamics, it really just brings hidden problems to the surface. That doesn't make sense?!! Does that mean that for the past 8 years I actually hated my husband but never knew it? I'm so confused and sad and mad. I feel cheated. This is not at all how I pictured life with a baby would be.

Anyway, said baby is beautiful. He's 5 months + now, loves the Johnny Jumper and is trying to hold his own bottle. I still can't believe he's mine. I still can't believe I get to keep him!

More later... maybe tomorrow I'll be less pissed?

Insurance woes

I can't even believe this crap! After struggling and scrimping to pay the ridiculous $1000+ a month COBRA insurance payment, the company has gone bankrupt without paying the medical bills racked up while having the baby. What should have cost me max out of pocket $3000 is now going to cost me over $25,000. I'm not even sure if that's the final number because the bills keep on a comin'. What a crock of shit.

Of course, I totally lost it on the phone with the lady at the insurance company. I was all tears and snot and pathetic about it. I think she felt sorry for me, but there was nothing she could do . The hospital is sending out some kind of charity care application, whatever that is. What a big bunch of crap! UGH!

I talked to Mark again about how sad I am all the time, about how I'm afraid to leave the house alone, etc. I know he wants to help me, I know he doesn't like leaving me here all alone with no car and no one to talk to, but it's the way it has to be for now. He has to go to work, he has to work long hours, and I have to stay at home with the baby.

I don't know why I totally didn't expect to feel like this... I didn't expect to feel so lonely and isolated and sad. I pictured life with a baby very differently... Matthew would be smiling and plump and pleasant, wearing perfectly coordinated outfits that would always be immaculately clean, and his hair would always fall into perfect ringlets. Strangers would smile at my gorgeous baby, and wonder how I managed to look so slim and fresh and gorgeous with a brand new baby.

The reality is that I think I have severe post partum depression. While Matthew is an incredibly smiley baby, he does cry, scream, rage and fuss. His outfits wear spit-up stains more often than not, and those perfect ringlets are MIA, with sticky-up red spikes in their place (I'm so happy he has red hair like me... I'm still holding out hope for the ringlets). No strangers smile at my baby, because none ever see him, and I am looking anything but slim and fresh and gorgeous with 40 lbs of extra baby weight still hanging around, and a haphazard bathing schedule. My hair is up in a bun for days at a time and while my face is washed and teeth are brushed regularly, I can't say much more than that right now.

I know this will get better; I know it won't always be this way. Matthew will get older and more mobile, and I'll be able to return to a normal hygiene routine. I don't want to "wish away" Matthew's babyhood, but I feel like I'm just not getting it right somehow.

Matthew just pooped... if I can do nothing else, I can change the kid's diaper so he doesn't sit in poop all day!

boo-hoo blues

I am in full-on "feeling sorry for myself" mode today. I hate Saturdays. They always seem like they'll be different than the other days of the week. But they never are. Mark still goes to work, and I'm still sitting here, watching the baby sleep and tripping over disgusting, flea-ridden cats everywhere I look. If I don't get out of here soon I'm really going to lose my mind. I actually found cat hair on my boob when I was breastfeeding the baby. Yes, it really is that bad.

Mark says absolutely no way on me getting a job. He says the baby is too young. My whole pay-check will go to daycare. Blah blah blah. But I still feel like he's lying to me everytime he opens his mouth. I still don't trust him. I'm not even sure if I can love him anymore.

How did my life turn into this? Six months ago I was happily decorating Matthew's nursery in our own home, and thinking about calling the pool company to schedule them to come out to open the pool, with the intention of soaking my very swollen pregnant body in the deep end until delivery.

Now, I'm living in my mom's dining room with my 2 month old (2 months today!) baby and my husband. And I spend more time thinking about running away from my life than I do about anything else. Probably a big part of my problem.

I really don't know what to do. I realize how wrong it's been for me to put all my trust and faith in Mark. On any given day I don't know how much money is in the bank, what our monthly bills are, or how much money he makes. I have no money of my own. Really, this whole experience has been eye-opening. On any day he can decide to walk out of my life, leaving me completely fucked. How did I never realize that... how did I never think about that before now?

And what am I supposed to do about it? I need my own money, I need some independance, but how do I get it? I just don't know what to do.

All I know is that my whole life sucks. The only good thing I have is Matthew. I have to find a way to keep him safe, since my husband doesn't seem to give a shit about security.

It's on me. I get it now.