Rainy Saturday

I don't even really have anything I feel like writing about; this entry is more about having the ability to be on the computer right now. Mark has already left for work and Matthew is sleeping next to me on the bed. He's been out for a little while so I'm not sure how much time I'll have to type away on here this morning, but I'll take advantage of it while it lasts.

We're moving next week. Moving into a 150 year old Victorian house. I'll have my things back... all of my things that have been packed into boxes in Mom's garage for the last 5 months. My Pottery Barn dishes, my Pampered Chef stoneware, my candles and pictures and mirrors... my stuff. Opening the boxes and unpacking will feel like Christmas morning!

I'll be out of this 12x10 room. I'll have a kitchen and a living room again! I'll have windows that can open!! A room for Matthew!! Life will be good again... I'll feel like a real human being again, instead of like this sub-human recluse.

It's hard to believe that just a year ago I would never have pictured my life coming to this. I had a 3000 square foot house, completely and newly renovated by us, an in ground pool with gorgeous patio furniture. I had a car and a gym membership, and I bought Dooney and Bourke purses on a whim.

Now I live in one room and have a baby. I have stretch marks. I don't go to a gym because I don't have a car and couldn't afford a membership even if I did have a car. I have 2 pair of jeans (and 23 that don't fit). And I sold all but 2 of my Dooney and Bourke purses on ebay when the money first ran out.

Matthew is awake! I really do miss him when he sleeps! This post was a complete ramble, but nice to have the 10 minutes free!

What I've Missed the Most

Since going broke and becoming a mom happened around the same time, it's hard to know which life changes were brought about by which event. I realize now that I took a lot of things for granted before Matthew was born and when we had plenty of money.

Before we went broke we had nice houses, nice furniture, the swimming pool, frivolous shopping, trips to the beach, dinners out, Vegas, and just a general sense of security you get when you lay your head down at night without worrying about paying the bills.

Before Matthew I had time to myself; time to do my laundry without scheduling it into my day. I had time to take a shower AND blow dry my hair without worrying. My boobs stayed in their bra all day , and no one other than Mark ever saw them. I went to bed at night without listening for tiny sighs and snores, proof that the baby was still breathing and therefore alive.

But, the one thing that I miss the most that I can attribute both to going broke and the birth of Matthew is:

Taking a bath.

I was an every night in the tub kind of girl before going broke and having a baby. I would take a book and sit in there for at least an hour. Mark would come in to the bathroom to chat, bringing with him some kind of snack. Since we went broke, I haven't had a tub available to me, and since Matthew, I haven't had the time for a proper bath.

All that's about to change.

Thursday night, we're getting a hotel room with a luxury bathtub, and I'm going to soak until I shrivel up like a prune. And, before we check out the next day, I'm going to soak again. In fact, I may just sleep in the tub all night long. I'm so excited!!!! I just can't wait!!!

Insurance woes

I can't even believe this crap! After struggling and scrimping to pay the ridiculous $1000+ a month COBRA insurance payment, the company has gone bankrupt without paying the medical bills racked up while having the baby. What should have cost me max out of pocket $3000 is now going to cost me over $25,000. I'm not even sure if that's the final number because the bills keep on a comin'. What a crock of shit.

Of course, I totally lost it on the phone with the lady at the insurance company. I was all tears and snot and pathetic about it. I think she felt sorry for me, but there was nothing she could do . The hospital is sending out some kind of charity care application, whatever that is. What a big bunch of crap! UGH!

I talked to Mark again about how sad I am all the time, about how I'm afraid to leave the house alone, etc. I know he wants to help me, I know he doesn't like leaving me here all alone with no car and no one to talk to, but it's the way it has to be for now. He has to go to work, he has to work long hours, and I have to stay at home with the baby.

I don't know why I totally didn't expect to feel like this... I didn't expect to feel so lonely and isolated and sad. I pictured life with a baby very differently... Matthew would be smiling and plump and pleasant, wearing perfectly coordinated outfits that would always be immaculately clean, and his hair would always fall into perfect ringlets. Strangers would smile at my gorgeous baby, and wonder how I managed to look so slim and fresh and gorgeous with a brand new baby.

The reality is that I think I have severe post partum depression. While Matthew is an incredibly smiley baby, he does cry, scream, rage and fuss. His outfits wear spit-up stains more often than not, and those perfect ringlets are MIA, with sticky-up red spikes in their place (I'm so happy he has red hair like me... I'm still holding out hope for the ringlets). No strangers smile at my baby, because none ever see him, and I am looking anything but slim and fresh and gorgeous with 40 lbs of extra baby weight still hanging around, and a haphazard bathing schedule. My hair is up in a bun for days at a time and while my face is washed and teeth are brushed regularly, I can't say much more than that right now.

I know this will get better; I know it won't always be this way. Matthew will get older and more mobile, and I'll be able to return to a normal hygiene routine. I don't want to "wish away" Matthew's babyhood, but I feel like I'm just not getting it right somehow.

Matthew just pooped... if I can do nothing else, I can change the kid's diaper so he doesn't sit in poop all day!

boo-hoo blues

I am in full-on "feeling sorry for myself" mode today. I hate Saturdays. They always seem like they'll be different than the other days of the week. But they never are. Mark still goes to work, and I'm still sitting here, watching the baby sleep and tripping over disgusting, flea-ridden cats everywhere I look. If I don't get out of here soon I'm really going to lose my mind. I actually found cat hair on my boob when I was breastfeeding the baby. Yes, it really is that bad.

Mark says absolutely no way on me getting a job. He says the baby is too young. My whole pay-check will go to daycare. Blah blah blah. But I still feel like he's lying to me everytime he opens his mouth. I still don't trust him. I'm not even sure if I can love him anymore.

How did my life turn into this? Six months ago I was happily decorating Matthew's nursery in our own home, and thinking about calling the pool company to schedule them to come out to open the pool, with the intention of soaking my very swollen pregnant body in the deep end until delivery.

Now, I'm living in my mom's dining room with my 2 month old (2 months today!) baby and my husband. And I spend more time thinking about running away from my life than I do about anything else. Probably a big part of my problem.

I really don't know what to do. I realize how wrong it's been for me to put all my trust and faith in Mark. On any given day I don't know how much money is in the bank, what our monthly bills are, or how much money he makes. I have no money of my own. Really, this whole experience has been eye-opening. On any day he can decide to walk out of my life, leaving me completely fucked. How did I never realize that... how did I never think about that before now?

And what am I supposed to do about it? I need my own money, I need some independance, but how do I get it? I just don't know what to do.

All I know is that my whole life sucks. The only good thing I have is Matthew. I have to find a way to keep him safe, since my husband doesn't seem to give a shit about security.

It's on me. I get it now.