boo-hoo blues

I am in full-on "feeling sorry for myself" mode today. I hate Saturdays. They always seem like they'll be different than the other days of the week. But they never are. Mark still goes to work, and I'm still sitting here, watching the baby sleep and tripping over disgusting, flea-ridden cats everywhere I look. If I don't get out of here soon I'm really going to lose my mind. I actually found cat hair on my boob when I was breastfeeding the baby. Yes, it really is that bad.

Mark says absolutely no way on me getting a job. He says the baby is too young. My whole pay-check will go to daycare. Blah blah blah. But I still feel like he's lying to me everytime he opens his mouth. I still don't trust him. I'm not even sure if I can love him anymore.

How did my life turn into this? Six months ago I was happily decorating Matthew's nursery in our own home, and thinking about calling the pool company to schedule them to come out to open the pool, with the intention of soaking my very swollen pregnant body in the deep end until delivery.

Now, I'm living in my mom's dining room with my 2 month old (2 months today!) baby and my husband. And I spend more time thinking about running away from my life than I do about anything else. Probably a big part of my problem.

I really don't know what to do. I realize how wrong it's been for me to put all my trust and faith in Mark. On any given day I don't know how much money is in the bank, what our monthly bills are, or how much money he makes. I have no money of my own. Really, this whole experience has been eye-opening. On any day he can decide to walk out of my life, leaving me completely fucked. How did I never realize that... how did I never think about that before now?

And what am I supposed to do about it? I need my own money, I need some independance, but how do I get it? I just don't know what to do.

All I know is that my whole life sucks. The only good thing I have is Matthew. I have to find a way to keep him safe, since my husband doesn't seem to give a shit about security.

It's on me. I get it now.