Blah, blah, blah

I dont' know what my problem is. I feel so completely blah. I'm bored and lonely and so sick of doing nothing all day, every day. Every single day I get the kitchen clean, the laundry done, the bottles washed and filled. And then the next day I have to do it all over again.

I don't have interesting conversations. I don't have exciting plans. With the exception of Matthew, everything is complete drudgery. Every single thing I accomplish in a day needs to be "re-accomplished" the next day. It's completely mind numbing and it's really starting to wear on me.

Mark is busy at work, loving every minute of the "empire" he's trying to build. He can't ever talk or thing about anything else. He's still not being honest with me, and I really feel like eventually he'll meet someone else. Someone who doesn't have a baby as a priority, someone without puke or pee or baby food all over their clothes. Someone with clean hair and make-up and without 30 pounds of baby weight still to lose (at what point does baby weight become just regular weight? I hope it's some time after 9 months!) Maybe he has already... who knows?

The little voice in my head is telling me I've been here before; I've been in a relationship where the other person had a great big passion for something other than me, and I don't want to deal with this again. In a past relationship, I spent too many hours wandering around a stupid golf course, too many hours watching golf on TV, too many hours talking about golf, waiting for golf to be over, waiting to do anything that had nothing to do with golf. And when the subject of marriage came up in that relationship, I saw endless hours of golf in my future and I did what any sane person would have done. I ran away.

Now, I'm nine years into a marriage that was formerly perfect. I'm stuck in the same position, except it's mortgages and not golf. Before I would take myself out on my own, go to the gym, to clubs, out with friends. Now I don't have that option... I'm stuck here day after day with no end, no fun, no excitement in sight.

Does the fact that my marriage has become exactly what I was afraid marriage would be like mean I don't want to be married anymore? It's not like I have any more appealing options; I'm pretty much stuck here. No car, no money, no job... but plenty of laundry and dishes and bottles to wash.

Blah, blah, blah.

I'm still here!

Yes, I'm still here. The fact that Matthew is now mobile and has the ability to bang the hell out of my laptop means it's been out of sight most of the time for a while now. I want to try to get back here... I guess time will tell if Matthew has other plans for me and my blogging...

Things are better than they were the last time I posted here, but still not great. Mark is working crazy hours, and I'm home alone with the baby much of the time. I've found a couple of friends, and I get out to the gym a few times a week. I'm still pretty isolated, but not as bad as before.

Matthew is now 9 months old, and standing briefly on his own. He walks quickly when holding onto the furniture, and he's trying to walk without holding on to anything (which usually results in a face plant onto the carpet.) He says "da da" all the time, but I only hear "ma ma" when he's crying. He babbles a lot, and has a hugs collection of plastic toys taking over the living room. He's sweet and funny and crinkles up his nose when he smiles, which is pretty much all the time.

I've been thinking a lot about starting my own business, something that would allow me the ability to bring Matthew along. I have a couple of ideas bouncing around in my head, but nothing I'm really ready to write about yet.

Things are getting better... winter was long and hard and lonely, but the weather is warming up and I'm starting to feel like I'm waking up from a bad dream. Matthew has been the only bright, beautiful thing in my life for a long time. I think it's time for me to have a little of "me" back again.

I sure do love that guy.