I spent the weekend not talking to Mark. I discussed things to do with the baby in a curt, businesslike manner. Other than that I had nothing to say. He'd try to start conversations and I'd ignore him unless it was to do with Matthew.

We talked some of it out late Sunday night, and more on Monday. This is it. Last time. I told him if he lied to me again I'd leave and he'd never find me.

Last night I told him that while I don't really mean that, that I'd never keep him away from Matthew, if he lied to me again, even about something stupid, I really will leave him.

And I mean it.

I want my friend back. I want my perfect marriage back. I want our biggest argument to be about me leaving wet towels on the bed or about him leaving socks on the floor.

Does the fact that we now have a baby together mean I have to settle for a marriage that's not everything it used to be?

I can't figure out how this happened. I don't know how much has to do with the changes a new baby brings, how much has to do with going broke and losing everything, and how much would have just happened anyway; the inevietable (?) breakdown of an eight year old marriage.

I'm tired of thinking about this stuff. Last year this time I was happily pregnant, done all my Christmas shopping AND wrapping, and worrying over final exams. I feel like I've aged a hundred years since then. I don't even know who that girl was anymore.

But I sure do miss her.

how boring...

Who really wants to read about a marriage life falling apart?

It's pretty boring, even for me.

I have to go do the laundry.

The hits just keep on comin'

The lies continue... I found out about another stupid, completely inconsequential lie that sent me reeling once again. I don't know why he keeps doing this. Lying about stupid crap that undermines the trust I'm working so hard to rebuild. I really think I'm to the point where I've got to stop caring about him, about what he's doing, about our marriage. Because caring is screwing me up. It's taking me off my game, making it a thousand times more difficult to be good to Matthew and good to myself.

I refuse to feel stuck with him.

He can go make his money and spend it however he likes.

I really will go get a job. It will break my heart to put Matthew in daycare, but I'll do it if I have to.

I can't be married to someone who lies, even about stupid little things.

Lying about stupid little things leads to lying about big things.

If he's not lying about those already.

I am a good wife. He's putting up this distance in our marriage.

I'm sad and angry about it.

And now I feel like a complete idiot for ever feeling happy the other day for shopping at Sephora.

I must be an idiot.

I don't know what to do.

I have to take care of Matthew. That's my first and most important priority.

He can either grow some balls and stop lying or he can go scratch.

Does the fact that I feel this way mean I don't love him anymore?

Because I really don't know if I do.

Merry Christmas. Ugh.

Nothing like expensive beauty products to make a girl feel good...

Last night we went out to do some Christmas shopping. This is an activity that needs to be done in several trips, as we're shopping for six kids (5 girls!), as well as various nieces, nephews and other assorted relatives. Mark kept getting pissed at the cost of sweaters in American Eagle, and he about lost it in Hollister (actually, I almost lost it too... that store sucks! It's dark, it's noisy, and I'm convinced they keep it that way so you don't notice the cheap quality of their overpriced crap!)

Why is it that a 14 year old girl wants needs a $90 sweatshirt? I don't get it. Especially when the small pockets of the same sweatshirt in a different color were the cause of a lost ipod last week at the park... No wonder we're broke.

Anyway, I had mentioned to Mark the other day that, at 36 years old, it's really not good for me to be washing my face with Dial Antibacterial soap. But, since we went broke I've had no money for expensive good face washing/toning/moisturizing products. It's been Dial soap for months, and it's starting to take a toll on my skin (the winter air and stress are probably not helping either).

We were walking by Sephora, and Mark suggested we go in to get some decent face washing stuff. I warned him it could be expensive, but he insisted...

Holy crap! As soon as I walked in the door I started to feel pretty again! Aisle after aisle, row after row of sparkly, good smelling things all meant to make me look younger, fresher, brighter, prettier! I didn't know where to start! I wanted to try everything, buy everything... I wanted to take everything in the store home just so I could look at it all day!

I ended up getting a Nars lipstick that I'd had before and loved! I got a Philosophy exfoliating cleanser which I love! love! love! And I got a set of small bottles of Clarins facial cleanser, day lotion, night lotion, serum and eye cream... all of which I love! love! love!

I had so much fun smelling things, trying things, and just soaking in the good clean prettiness of the store! When we left the store I actually hugged my Sephora bag and made Mark laugh. He said seeing me hug the bag was definitely worth the $85 dollars we spent in there.

I think the fact that I felt human like a human girl again made it more than worth it.

I had intended to post about the things I'm angry about in an attempt to examine and then be able to let go of them. But now I think that spending that much time focused on things that are "wrong", or at least that I perceive as wrong may be just a waste of time. There's not much to examine other than to know that I'm pissed about not being in school anymore, losing our home, being left alone with the baby all the time, feeling left out, feeling ugly, feeling unappreciated. That's pretty much it. To spend any more time on it would be a waste.

Mark and I have been fighting all the time. I'm really being shitty, but I just feel like I can't help it. I feel so resentful that he gets to do whatever he wants whenever he wants and I have to ask if he has time to watch the baby just so I can shower. He sets his own hours at work, while I feel constantly "on call" day and night. Even when he does cover the baby so I can sit in the tub for 20 minutes, he's knocking at the bathroom door at least twice with questions about when the baby was last changed or fed or whatever.

Wow... so much for not focusing on the anger, huh?

Anyway... This morning when I was brushing my teeth, I remembered something from a sociology class I had my second semester: "The person with the least interest in continuing a relationship has control of the relationship." And I realized that I am really doing my very best to push Mark away in an attempt to "get control" of our relationship. Maybe because I really feel like I have absolutely NO control over any aspect of my life right now my brain is twisting things up to try to take back some control over something.

Or, maybe I really am just a bitter, angry bitch.

I need to get nice. I miss myself. I miss waking up happy. I miss feeling good... feeling loved and loving and appreciated and appreciative and admired and admiring. It's a lot of work and takes a lot of energy to feel this angry and sad all the time. I'm so tired of it.

I feel like I'm doing a really terrible job of balancing taking care of this new baby, taking care of my marriage and taking care of myself.

I just want to be happy again. I want to be a nice person again. I want to like myself again.

Still don't have a whole lot to say these days... I seem to be too pissed/sad/scared/mad/suspicious/angry/depressed etc. to feel like writing at all.

We're getting ready for Christmas. Literally... like, right now. I'm sitting in the living room with boxes and berries and tissue and ribbon covering every inch of available space (other than where the baby is sleeping). The tree is up and its lights are on, but the Frank Sinatra Christmas CD has gone MIA... can't decorate the tree without "We Wish You The Merriest". It just wouldn't be right.

Anyway, things in my head seem to be getting worse and not better. I'm angry at Mark All. The. Time. I just don't know how this happened. We really had a perfect marriage, and now it's all just gone to shit. I googled "Marital problems after baby", and came up with nothing other than one website that says while a new baby changes the dynamics, it really just brings hidden problems to the surface. That doesn't make sense?!! Does that mean that for the past 8 years I actually hated my husband but never knew it? I'm so confused and sad and mad. I feel cheated. This is not at all how I pictured life with a baby would be.

Anyway, said baby is beautiful. He's 5 months + now, loves the Johnny Jumper and is trying to hold his own bottle. I still can't believe he's mine. I still can't believe I get to keep him!

More later... maybe tomorrow I'll be less pissed?