Insurance woes

I can't even believe this crap! After struggling and scrimping to pay the ridiculous $1000+ a month COBRA insurance payment, the company has gone bankrupt without paying the medical bills racked up while having the baby. What should have cost me max out of pocket $3000 is now going to cost me over $25,000. I'm not even sure if that's the final number because the bills keep on a comin'. What a crock of shit.

Of course, I totally lost it on the phone with the lady at the insurance company. I was all tears and snot and pathetic about it. I think she felt sorry for me, but there was nothing she could do . The hospital is sending out some kind of charity care application, whatever that is. What a big bunch of crap! UGH!

I talked to Mark again about how sad I am all the time, about how I'm afraid to leave the house alone, etc. I know he wants to help me, I know he doesn't like leaving me here all alone with no car and no one to talk to, but it's the way it has to be for now. He has to go to work, he has to work long hours, and I have to stay at home with the baby.

I don't know why I totally didn't expect to feel like this... I didn't expect to feel so lonely and isolated and sad. I pictured life with a baby very differently... Matthew would be smiling and plump and pleasant, wearing perfectly coordinated outfits that would always be immaculately clean, and his hair would always fall into perfect ringlets. Strangers would smile at my gorgeous baby, and wonder how I managed to look so slim and fresh and gorgeous with a brand new baby.

The reality is that I think I have severe post partum depression. While Matthew is an incredibly smiley baby, he does cry, scream, rage and fuss. His outfits wear spit-up stains more often than not, and those perfect ringlets are MIA, with sticky-up red spikes in their place (I'm so happy he has red hair like me... I'm still holding out hope for the ringlets). No strangers smile at my baby, because none ever see him, and I am looking anything but slim and fresh and gorgeous with 40 lbs of extra baby weight still hanging around, and a haphazard bathing schedule. My hair is up in a bun for days at a time and while my face is washed and teeth are brushed regularly, I can't say much more than that right now.

I know this will get better; I know it won't always be this way. Matthew will get older and more mobile, and I'll be able to return to a normal hygiene routine. I don't want to "wish away" Matthew's babyhood, but I feel like I'm just not getting it right somehow.

Matthew just pooped... if I can do nothing else, I can change the kid's diaper so he doesn't sit in poop all day!

It's beginning to look a little like Christmas... at least at PotteryBarn.com!

So, basically I've been doing fuck-all towards my goals of "having a life of my own". Part of this may be due to the fact that PPD is severely kicking my ass, and part may be due to I'm not entirely sure that I want "a life of my own". How much of the way I feel can be attributed to living in mom's dining room, being completely broke, smelling cat shit everyday, the kitchen faucet being broken, having bitter step-kids, and a husband who works a lot? And how much of it can be attributed to anything real and valid? That's what I need to find out. But not right now, because the baby is asleep in his car seat (not in my arms!) What this means is that I'm actually able to use both hands on the laptop... so, of course, my first stop is the Pottery Barn website!

I'm so happy to see that Pottery Barn's Christmas stuff is on their site already! I've already added monogramed Christmas stockings to my cart, and I'm thinking about going back and adding a bunch of the pretty ornament candles to my cart too.

I have this very cool way of "shopping"... I load up virtual shopping carts at all my favorite stores, and I have neither the intention nor the means to buy any of it. My Pottery Barn cart has topped $30,000 at times. I always picture the Pottery Barn internet site employees sitting on the computer at their end, rubbing their hands together with glee over my giant order, only to have it click off without ever being processed. Then, once I've "x-ed" out of the site, I picture all the Pottery Barn employees issuing a collective sigh over the loss of my order. I know this never happens in real life (it doesn't, right?) But it's still what I picture... I will then tell my husband or my mom about all the things I "bought" that day. It's almost as good as real shopping!

So, I'm figuring Mr. Fierce will sleep for another half hour or so... I'm heading off to JCrew to load my cart full of the stuff I used to wear before my baby-induced 9 month long eating binge left me unable to partake of thier latest fashions. Oh, well... I'm not really buying it anyway...