Rainy Saturday

I don't even really have anything I feel like writing about; this entry is more about having the ability to be on the computer right now. Mark has already left for work and Matthew is sleeping next to me on the bed. He's been out for a little while so I'm not sure how much time I'll have to type away on here this morning, but I'll take advantage of it while it lasts.

We're moving next week. Moving into a 150 year old Victorian house. I'll have my things back... all of my things that have been packed into boxes in Mom's garage for the last 5 months. My Pottery Barn dishes, my Pampered Chef stoneware, my candles and pictures and mirrors... my stuff. Opening the boxes and unpacking will feel like Christmas morning!

I'll be out of this 12x10 room. I'll have a kitchen and a living room again! I'll have windows that can open!! A room for Matthew!! Life will be good again... I'll feel like a real human being again, instead of like this sub-human recluse.

It's hard to believe that just a year ago I would never have pictured my life coming to this. I had a 3000 square foot house, completely and newly renovated by us, an in ground pool with gorgeous patio furniture. I had a car and a gym membership, and I bought Dooney and Bourke purses on a whim.

Now I live in one room and have a baby. I have stretch marks. I don't go to a gym because I don't have a car and couldn't afford a membership even if I did have a car. I have 2 pair of jeans (and 23 that don't fit). And I sold all but 2 of my Dooney and Bourke purses on ebay when the money first ran out.

Matthew is awake! I really do miss him when he sleeps! This post was a complete ramble, but nice to have the 10 minutes free!

The good, the bad, the adorable...

The Good...

This weekend started out beautifully. On Saturday, Mark came home from work early and covered the baby so I could take a long shower and blow dry my hair. We loaded up the baby and drove to an outdoor shopping mall about a half hour away. The weather was beautiful and Mark had just gotten paid, both of which helped to lighten our mood.

In the Gap, I bought my first pair of non-maternity jeans in my new and quite frightening size. Actually, it wasn't as bad as I expected... still not good, but could have been worse. Buying those jeans felt like turning a corner, in a way. As though buying non-maternity clothes has officially ended my pregnancy in a way that giving birth didn't. Or something like that...

In the end, we came away from our day at the outdoor mall with a set of 6 wine glasses from Pottery Barn for $22, 2 bags of Williams Sonoma's Pecan Pumpkin Quickbread mix, and a jar of fancy tomato sauce to be used on chicken later this week. Not a huge haul by any means, but more than enough to satisfy the frivolous shopping need, when we spent the day strolling in the sun and congratulating each other on our gorgeous baby. We really needed a day in the sun like that.

The Bad...

That night we went down to pick up the girls for the night. That didn't go very well, but i really don't feel like writing anything about that right now.

The Adorable...

What was amazing though was that while I was digging through the Gap's sale rack for jeans (there was NO WAY I was paying full price for giant pants), Mark held Matthew up to the mirror and Matthew smiled and laughed when he saw himself. He's been doing it ever since then, and we all keep putting him in front of mirrors to see him laugh.

Are all babies this amazing? Do all moms feel so "lifted" when their babies smile at them? It's got to be the most incredible feeling.

It's beginning to look a little like Christmas... at least at PotteryBarn.com!

So, basically I've been doing fuck-all towards my goals of "having a life of my own". Part of this may be due to the fact that PPD is severely kicking my ass, and part may be due to I'm not entirely sure that I want "a life of my own". How much of the way I feel can be attributed to living in mom's dining room, being completely broke, smelling cat shit everyday, the kitchen faucet being broken, having bitter step-kids, and a husband who works a lot? And how much of it can be attributed to anything real and valid? That's what I need to find out. But not right now, because the baby is asleep in his car seat (not in my arms!) What this means is that I'm actually able to use both hands on the laptop... so, of course, my first stop is the Pottery Barn website!

I'm so happy to see that Pottery Barn's Christmas stuff is on their site already! I've already added monogramed Christmas stockings to my cart, and I'm thinking about going back and adding a bunch of the pretty ornament candles to my cart too.

I have this very cool way of "shopping"... I load up virtual shopping carts at all my favorite stores, and I have neither the intention nor the means to buy any of it. My Pottery Barn cart has topped $30,000 at times. I always picture the Pottery Barn internet site employees sitting on the computer at their end, rubbing their hands together with glee over my giant order, only to have it click off without ever being processed. Then, once I've "x-ed" out of the site, I picture all the Pottery Barn employees issuing a collective sigh over the loss of my order. I know this never happens in real life (it doesn't, right?) But it's still what I picture... I will then tell my husband or my mom about all the things I "bought" that day. It's almost as good as real shopping!

So, I'm figuring Mr. Fierce will sleep for another half hour or so... I'm heading off to JCrew to load my cart full of the stuff I used to wear before my baby-induced 9 month long eating binge left me unable to partake of thier latest fashions. Oh, well... I'm not really buying it anyway...