Insurance woes

I can't even believe this crap! After struggling and scrimping to pay the ridiculous $1000+ a month COBRA insurance payment, the company has gone bankrupt without paying the medical bills racked up while having the baby. What should have cost me max out of pocket $3000 is now going to cost me over $25,000. I'm not even sure if that's the final number because the bills keep on a comin'. What a crock of shit.

Of course, I totally lost it on the phone with the lady at the insurance company. I was all tears and snot and pathetic about it. I think she felt sorry for me, but there was nothing she could do . The hospital is sending out some kind of charity care application, whatever that is. What a big bunch of crap! UGH!

I talked to Mark again about how sad I am all the time, about how I'm afraid to leave the house alone, etc. I know he wants to help me, I know he doesn't like leaving me here all alone with no car and no one to talk to, but it's the way it has to be for now. He has to go to work, he has to work long hours, and I have to stay at home with the baby.

I don't know why I totally didn't expect to feel like this... I didn't expect to feel so lonely and isolated and sad. I pictured life with a baby very differently... Matthew would be smiling and plump and pleasant, wearing perfectly coordinated outfits that would always be immaculately clean, and his hair would always fall into perfect ringlets. Strangers would smile at my gorgeous baby, and wonder how I managed to look so slim and fresh and gorgeous with a brand new baby.

The reality is that I think I have severe post partum depression. While Matthew is an incredibly smiley baby, he does cry, scream, rage and fuss. His outfits wear spit-up stains more often than not, and those perfect ringlets are MIA, with sticky-up red spikes in their place (I'm so happy he has red hair like me... I'm still holding out hope for the ringlets). No strangers smile at my baby, because none ever see him, and I am looking anything but slim and fresh and gorgeous with 40 lbs of extra baby weight still hanging around, and a haphazard bathing schedule. My hair is up in a bun for days at a time and while my face is washed and teeth are brushed regularly, I can't say much more than that right now.

I know this will get better; I know it won't always be this way. Matthew will get older and more mobile, and I'll be able to return to a normal hygiene routine. I don't want to "wish away" Matthew's babyhood, but I feel like I'm just not getting it right somehow.

Matthew just pooped... if I can do nothing else, I can change the kid's diaper so he doesn't sit in poop all day!