I spent the weekend not talking to Mark. I discussed things to do with the baby in a curt, businesslike manner. Other than that I had nothing to say. He'd try to start conversations and I'd ignore him unless it was to do with Matthew.

We talked some of it out late Sunday night, and more on Monday. This is it. Last time. I told him if he lied to me again I'd leave and he'd never find me.

Last night I told him that while I don't really mean that, that I'd never keep him away from Matthew, if he lied to me again, even about something stupid, I really will leave him.

And I mean it.

I want my friend back. I want my perfect marriage back. I want our biggest argument to be about me leaving wet towels on the bed or about him leaving socks on the floor.

Does the fact that we now have a baby together mean I have to settle for a marriage that's not everything it used to be?

I can't figure out how this happened. I don't know how much has to do with the changes a new baby brings, how much has to do with going broke and losing everything, and how much would have just happened anyway; the inevietable (?) breakdown of an eight year old marriage.

I'm tired of thinking about this stuff. Last year this time I was happily pregnant, done all my Christmas shopping AND wrapping, and worrying over final exams. I feel like I've aged a hundred years since then. I don't even know who that girl was anymore.

But I sure do miss her.