I had intended to post about the things I'm angry about in an attempt to examine and then be able to let go of them. But now I think that spending that much time focused on things that are "wrong", or at least that I perceive as wrong may be just a waste of time. There's not much to examine other than to know that I'm pissed about not being in school anymore, losing our home, being left alone with the baby all the time, feeling left out, feeling ugly, feeling unappreciated. That's pretty much it. To spend any more time on it would be a waste.

Mark and I have been fighting all the time. I'm really being shitty, but I just feel like I can't help it. I feel so resentful that he gets to do whatever he wants whenever he wants and I have to ask if he has time to watch the baby just so I can shower. He sets his own hours at work, while I feel constantly "on call" day and night. Even when he does cover the baby so I can sit in the tub for 20 minutes, he's knocking at the bathroom door at least twice with questions about when the baby was last changed or fed or whatever.

Wow... so much for not focusing on the anger, huh?

Anyway... This morning when I was brushing my teeth, I remembered something from a sociology class I had my second semester: "The person with the least interest in continuing a relationship has control of the relationship." And I realized that I am really doing my very best to push Mark away in an attempt to "get control" of our relationship. Maybe because I really feel like I have absolutely NO control over any aspect of my life right now my brain is twisting things up to try to take back some control over something.

Or, maybe I really am just a bitter, angry bitch.

I need to get nice. I miss myself. I miss waking up happy. I miss feeling good... feeling loved and loving and appreciated and appreciative and admired and admiring. It's a lot of work and takes a lot of energy to feel this angry and sad all the time. I'm so tired of it.

I feel like I'm doing a really terrible job of balancing taking care of this new baby, taking care of my marriage and taking care of myself.

I just want to be happy again. I want to be a nice person again. I want to like myself again.