Blah, blah, blah

I dont' know what my problem is. I feel so completely blah. I'm bored and lonely and so sick of doing nothing all day, every day. Every single day I get the kitchen clean, the laundry done, the bottles washed and filled. And then the next day I have to do it all over again.

I don't have interesting conversations. I don't have exciting plans. With the exception of Matthew, everything is complete drudgery. Every single thing I accomplish in a day needs to be "re-accomplished" the next day. It's completely mind numbing and it's really starting to wear on me.

Mark is busy at work, loving every minute of the "empire" he's trying to build. He can't ever talk or thing about anything else. He's still not being honest with me, and I really feel like eventually he'll meet someone else. Someone who doesn't have a baby as a priority, someone without puke or pee or baby food all over their clothes. Someone with clean hair and make-up and without 30 pounds of baby weight still to lose (at what point does baby weight become just regular weight? I hope it's some time after 9 months!) Maybe he has already... who knows?

The little voice in my head is telling me I've been here before; I've been in a relationship where the other person had a great big passion for something other than me, and I don't want to deal with this again. In a past relationship, I spent too many hours wandering around a stupid golf course, too many hours watching golf on TV, too many hours talking about golf, waiting for golf to be over, waiting to do anything that had nothing to do with golf. And when the subject of marriage came up in that relationship, I saw endless hours of golf in my future and I did what any sane person would have done. I ran away.

Now, I'm nine years into a marriage that was formerly perfect. I'm stuck in the same position, except it's mortgages and not golf. Before I would take myself out on my own, go to the gym, to clubs, out with friends. Now I don't have that option... I'm stuck here day after day with no end, no fun, no excitement in sight.

Does the fact that my marriage has become exactly what I was afraid marriage would be like mean I don't want to be married anymore? It's not like I have any more appealing options; I'm pretty much stuck here. No car, no money, no job... but plenty of laundry and dishes and bottles to wash.

Blah, blah, blah.