Full Circle

Tomorrow I've come full circle; I will have been a mom for one full year. I've learned a lot in the past year. I've completely lost myself, and am just now starting to think about finding me again. I know I've been a good mom this year. This is evidenced by the fact that my son is happy, healthy, and so so so smiley!

I've gained a lot of new anxieties this year, some caused by my husband thinking he's smarter than everyone else in the world, and some caused by the inherent fear that goes along with being a mom. The biggest worry is something happening to Matthew. I just know in my heart I would never, ever be able to cope with that. I would never, ever recover from that.

I want to write more about my baby, who tomorrow becomes a toddler. I have more to say about being a mom, about growing into the role, about how much it has both given and taken my confidence, my sanity, my sense of self-worth.

I just can't right now.

Dear Baby Matthew,

I love you so much more than I thought I would, more than I knew I could. Your smiles and your giggles are what get me through the day. The way you reach your arms up to me and laugh when you see me coming give me purpose.

I will always take very good care of you.

I promise.

Happy first birthday.

Love,

Mom