Yes, I am the wicked stepmother

Well, this past weekend was better in some ways and worse in others. Mark and I got some time alone together, and talked a lot of things out. I'm not sure how long things will stay straight between us, though; I have a way of twisting things up again when I've spent too much time alone. We'll see how this week goes.

J came up for Fall Break, and was kind enough to squeeze in an almost 2 hour breakfast with us. Her mom had planned all kinds of family activities (which is weird, since she wouldn't even break a date before when J came up), and J was booked up with her mom all weekend. Maybe that's how she wanted it anyway. Maybe I'm blaming her mom for playing games by making all these plans. But maybe J just wanted it that way. Thinking about all this crap makes me tired.

Anyway, I went into the breakfast meeting feeling defensive. J is pissed at us for leaving NC. Never mind that it really wasn't by choice, that I was 31 weeks pregnant when we lost our house which included the completely redone baby nursery, and that going broke and having to move 500 miles away from home right before the baby came was stressful, embarrassing and just plain sad. Nope, we won't even think about that. We'll just think about how any money spent on the new baby is money not spent on her.

We gave her wallet size pictures of Matthew from the pictures of him we had taken a few weeks ago. She just looked at them, didn't even pick them up, and sneered, "Oh! Professional pictures, huh?" I couldn't even believe it. She couldn't bring herself to smile at the baby (which was fine, since everyone else in the diner was smiling at him and saying how gorgeous he is).

Actually, it isn't fine... it really hurts/bothers me that she can't get over her selfishness for one minute and be happy about the baby. I've spent the last 8 years doing everything I can to make life better for her, to help her, to foster a relationship between her and her dad (which has been difficult), and she thinks it's ok to shit all over Matthew... to ignore, begrudge, or envy any little thing done for him. The other kids are the exact same way. I almost (not completely) expected it from them; they live with their mom and I know she's not at all supportive of any relationship they might have with their dad. But J lived with us. We were close, at least I thought.

It's not ok. And I don't know what to do anymore. I'm tired of trying and trying and feeling like shit. I'm tired of feeling guilty about being married to their dad. No matter how much we do, it's never enough, and I'm tired. I have other things to think about. I don't know if I should just wait for her to get over it... that could take months. I don't know if I should try to talk to her about it... she's so bitchy and accusatory on the phone, and I'm tired of apologizing to her just to make peace.

I think in the end I'll do nothing. She's not my child. She's 22 years old. I'll still remind Mark to call her periodically, but for the time being I'm going to back away. She's got anger issues and I just can't help her with this.

I really just can't.