decisions and action

There is no way I can end my marriage right now. I have no job, no money, no education, no usable experience. I have a baby to take care of and a 12 year old car.
I have to start taking some actions to get me to the point where I can leave him. I need to get certified to do SOMETHING. Radiation, ultrasound, respitory therapy... something stable and secure that will let me earn enough money to take care of Matthew on my own.

I'm working on it now. This is what I want. I don't want to be married to him anymore. I really just don't.

anxiety

I've been living with anxiety almost since I met him. Everything has always been high emotion, high drama. Nothing, absolutely nothing has ever felt settled or safe. It's been 9 years of this. Nine years of waiting for him to get it right, to finally be calm, be still.
And it continues. Today there was more drama, more fears, more worries that I just can't take anymore. He's too lazy, too flaky, to just plain stupid to clean up his messes the way he's supposed to. And he lies all the time, to me and everyone else.
And now I have a little boy who needs me. I have a little boy who loves me and hugs me and cries whenever I leave.
I can't do this anymore.

Full Circle

Tomorrow I've come full circle; I will have been a mom for one full year. I've learned a lot in the past year. I've completely lost myself, and am just now starting to think about finding me again. I know I've been a good mom this year. This is evidenced by the fact that my son is happy, healthy, and so so so smiley!

I've gained a lot of new anxieties this year, some caused by my husband thinking he's smarter than everyone else in the world, and some caused by the inherent fear that goes along with being a mom. The biggest worry is something happening to Matthew. I just know in my heart I would never, ever be able to cope with that. I would never, ever recover from that.

I want to write more about my baby, who tomorrow becomes a toddler. I have more to say about being a mom, about growing into the role, about how much it has both given and taken my confidence, my sanity, my sense of self-worth.

I just can't right now.

Dear Baby Matthew,

I love you so much more than I thought I would, more than I knew I could. Your smiles and your giggles are what get me through the day. The way you reach your arms up to me and laugh when you see me coming give me purpose.

I will always take very good care of you.

I promise.

Happy first birthday.

Love,

Mom

Blah, blah, blah

I dont' know what my problem is. I feel so completely blah. I'm bored and lonely and so sick of doing nothing all day, every day. Every single day I get the kitchen clean, the laundry done, the bottles washed and filled. And then the next day I have to do it all over again.

I don't have interesting conversations. I don't have exciting plans. With the exception of Matthew, everything is complete drudgery. Every single thing I accomplish in a day needs to be "re-accomplished" the next day. It's completely mind numbing and it's really starting to wear on me.

Mark is busy at work, loving every minute of the "empire" he's trying to build. He can't ever talk or thing about anything else. He's still not being honest with me, and I really feel like eventually he'll meet someone else. Someone who doesn't have a baby as a priority, someone without puke or pee or baby food all over their clothes. Someone with clean hair and make-up and without 30 pounds of baby weight still to lose (at what point does baby weight become just regular weight? I hope it's some time after 9 months!) Maybe he has already... who knows?

The little voice in my head is telling me I've been here before; I've been in a relationship where the other person had a great big passion for something other than me, and I don't want to deal with this again. In a past relationship, I spent too many hours wandering around a stupid golf course, too many hours watching golf on TV, too many hours talking about golf, waiting for golf to be over, waiting to do anything that had nothing to do with golf. And when the subject of marriage came up in that relationship, I saw endless hours of golf in my future and I did what any sane person would have done. I ran away.

Now, I'm nine years into a marriage that was formerly perfect. I'm stuck in the same position, except it's mortgages and not golf. Before I would take myself out on my own, go to the gym, to clubs, out with friends. Now I don't have that option... I'm stuck here day after day with no end, no fun, no excitement in sight.

Does the fact that my marriage has become exactly what I was afraid marriage would be like mean I don't want to be married anymore? It's not like I have any more appealing options; I'm pretty much stuck here. No car, no money, no job... but plenty of laundry and dishes and bottles to wash.

Blah, blah, blah.

I'm still here!

Yes, I'm still here. The fact that Matthew is now mobile and has the ability to bang the hell out of my laptop means it's been out of sight most of the time for a while now. I want to try to get back here... I guess time will tell if Matthew has other plans for me and my blogging...

Things are better than they were the last time I posted here, but still not great. Mark is working crazy hours, and I'm home alone with the baby much of the time. I've found a couple of friends, and I get out to the gym a few times a week. I'm still pretty isolated, but not as bad as before.

Matthew is now 9 months old, and standing briefly on his own. He walks quickly when holding onto the furniture, and he's trying to walk without holding on to anything (which usually results in a face plant onto the carpet.) He says "da da" all the time, but I only hear "ma ma" when he's crying. He babbles a lot, and has a hugs collection of plastic toys taking over the living room. He's sweet and funny and crinkles up his nose when he smiles, which is pretty much all the time.

I've been thinking a lot about starting my own business, something that would allow me the ability to bring Matthew along. I have a couple of ideas bouncing around in my head, but nothing I'm really ready to write about yet.

Things are getting better... winter was long and hard and lonely, but the weather is warming up and I'm starting to feel like I'm waking up from a bad dream. Matthew has been the only bright, beautiful thing in my life for a long time. I think it's time for me to have a little of "me" back again.

I sure do love that guy.

I spent the weekend not talking to Mark. I discussed things to do with the baby in a curt, businesslike manner. Other than that I had nothing to say. He'd try to start conversations and I'd ignore him unless it was to do with Matthew.

We talked some of it out late Sunday night, and more on Monday. This is it. Last time. I told him if he lied to me again I'd leave and he'd never find me.

Last night I told him that while I don't really mean that, that I'd never keep him away from Matthew, if he lied to me again, even about something stupid, I really will leave him.

And I mean it.

I want my friend back. I want my perfect marriage back. I want our biggest argument to be about me leaving wet towels on the bed or about him leaving socks on the floor.

Does the fact that we now have a baby together mean I have to settle for a marriage that's not everything it used to be?

I can't figure out how this happened. I don't know how much has to do with the changes a new baby brings, how much has to do with going broke and losing everything, and how much would have just happened anyway; the inevietable (?) breakdown of an eight year old marriage.

I'm tired of thinking about this stuff. Last year this time I was happily pregnant, done all my Christmas shopping AND wrapping, and worrying over final exams. I feel like I've aged a hundred years since then. I don't even know who that girl was anymore.

But I sure do miss her.

how boring...

Who really wants to read about a marriage life falling apart?

It's pretty boring, even for me.

I have to go do the laundry.